How to Stop a Snoring Man

Some Not-no-conventional Methods

I’ve been married for 16 years…16 years today in fact. It is my anniversary and as I lay in bed last night while my husband suffered from a terrible sinus infection, I had to deal with snoring. “Oh, that’s all?” You ask! Well, his snoring hits different pitches and ranges when he’s sick. It’s completely obnoxious. I handle it well when he’s not sick-but when he is sick, it’s a whole other ball game.

I’ve tried many tactics to stop the snoring. Last night as I lay in bed wide awake, I realized that I actually have experience in this area that few have. I have tried some rather conventional methods to help that man stop and some that are quite frankly, very unconventional. In my wisdom, I realize none of them will stop a snoring man, but boy are they fun! You’ll find my list below-indulge yourself when the snoring is too much and you can’t sleep!

The first thing you can try is to place Breathe Right Strips across the soring man’s nose. You can get these at most drugstores. However, these never worked for my honey. I bought them in a fit of desperation one day. Out of pure love he wore them. The only thing they really did for me is provide a good laugh at how ridiculous he looked. I believe this is the only “conventional, non-medical” thing I have tried.

Holding the snoring man’s nose is a dangerous technique. However, it will give you lots of laughs! This idea actually came from my own mother. She absolutely adores my husband, but as I sought good, sound advice from my mother on the snoring issue, I realized this is probably the worst advice she ever gave me. As nightfall came and hubby and I settled down for a good sleep, the snoring crept in! It got louder and louder and with each snort I winced more and more. How could anyone sleep with that racket? So, I did what any good daughter would do-I followed my mother’s advice. I reached over the big, snoring man and pinched his nose shut with my fingers. The sounds that emanated from him after that are completely indescribable. It was a hysterical conglomeration of snorting and gasping for air. He thought he was being attacked. He turned on me and I got hit. Don’t get me wrong! He’s not a violent man. He was just protecting himself from whoever he thought was trying to kill him. When he realized it was only me and my devious ploy to stop the snoring, he did apologize. The good thing is that he was so freaked out that he couldn’t sleep and I fell asleep soundly before the snoring resumed. I only recommend this method if you’re ready for battle and can take the snoring man down yourself.

The Recording is what I call my next method. I came up with this one all on my own! My youngest daughter was about two years old and had one of those Fisher-Price cassette players. It had a cute little microphone on it for kids to play with. The really cool thing about this toy is that it could record your darling child from the microphone onto the cassette. Well, this toy became my friend one night. Once again, nightfall came and the snoring began. I laid there thinking what to do. I wondered if he had ever really heard himself snore. Would it bother him? Would it wake him up? Hmmmm….now, that’s a thought. I quietly crept out of bed and into my daughter’s room. By the light of the Barney nightlight, I found the Fisher-Price cassette player. I found a blank cassette, inserted it into the player, and tested the device to make sure it was ready. I was James Bond-ready to collect the evidence that his snoring was out of control. I slipped into bed quietly and as the snoring escalated again, I placed the microphone over his mouth and hit “record” on the toy. The timing could not have been better. The snoring was terrible, obnoxious, and terrifying for small children. After a brief period of recording, I rewound the cassette and hit play. I put the speaker on the pillow next to him to see what would happen. It was a miracle! He stopped snoring and woke up! He rolled over to me and said something like, “What the *#@!!!” is that?” I laughed so hard I was crying! “YOU!” I replied. He moaned at me and rolled over. It didn’t work too well to stop the snoring, but he shut up long enough for me to fall back to sleep. We shared the recording the next day and got a good laugh, but I had to promise to never do that again. So…I had to come up with something else.

Fake snoring is terrific for a little drama in the bedroom! This method was actually devised more recently. Considering I had been hit and had promised him no more recordings, I had to come up with a new plan. Fake snoring was it! Now, I’m not a snorer. Really-I’m not! It tickles my nose and makes me sneeze. So, this one was tricky and I had to make sure I had a box of Kleenex by the bed in case I began a sneezing fit. As I laid there ever-frustrated with the snoring, I philosophized again about whether or not it would bother him if I snored. That was it-I would snore like him. So, I laid there and began to snort through my nose and throat. I made bizarre noises just like him. The two of us were a cacophony of strange, alien noises. Then, something in him awoke his senses and he rolled over and asked, “What are you doing?” I told him it was my experiment to see if snoring would wake him up. “Really?” He asked. Once again, he was so disturbed by the images of me making all those hideous noises, that he was silent just long enough for me to slip into a nice, quiet, deep sleep. I’ve pulled this one a few times. Sometimes, I can’t snore loud enough for him to hear me over his own snoring-but it’s worth a try!

The most violent method is The Kick. When all else fails, kick him. Just kick under the covers. If he gets mad, just say, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I was having a terrible dream. I’ll try to be more careful.” Funny thing is, if you kick hard enough, he won’t want you to wake him again, so he’ll usually move further away and roll over. I’ve found that when he’s not sleeping on his back, the snoring really subsides. So, The Kick can be very beneficial for repositioning the snoring man into a position more suitable for silent sleeping. This one is great to actually move the man. I highly recommend this method! Although snoring can really diminish the effectiveness of a good night’s sleep-for you, not the snorer-you have to sometimes take matters into your own hands. These methods are perfect for when you are at your wits end. However, remember, if you love that snoring man, you’ll also do what it takes to deal with his idiosyncrasies! After all, he deals with yours, right!?